When self-care turns self-welp
Therapists are prone to helping others with their oxygen mask first, which runs the risk of them awkwardly choking to death mid-reach for their own. “Putting yourself first” is not only typically more of a challenge, but the fact that therapists preach it professionally puts them in quite the conundrum.
This used to be an issue that I struggled with silently. I had deemed myself a closet wreck therapist even upon opening my practice. I was eating like crap and out of shape to the point where I strained my back one time when I coughed.
I was seeing dear friends less & less while forsaking many hobbies and self-care routines that used to light me up all in the name of paying my dues. Working around the clock, approaching burnout, broke and bothered, I was committed to helping others but not so much to helping myself.
Despite this, I’d have cycles of being a self-help junkie. I’d spiral into stints of short-lived highs consuming a self-help book or binging a podcast or a gaggle of Ted Talks. While momentarily soothing, they stuck to the wall like uncooked spaghetti. I would ultimately find myself in shame weeks later eating a tub of ice cream at 3am unable to sleep because of my anxiety and dread of going back to work.
I knew I needed a therapist, felt I couldn’t afford a therapist, and I didn’t have time to see a therapist…as a fucking therapist myself. 🤦🏾♀️ I continued on this rollercoaster of helplessness, ted talk binges, self-neglect rock-bottoms, and ice cream band-aids.
If only my clients knew…
I learned later that a lack of consistency with self-care was not such a unique experience in my field. A couple years later, as I was reflecting on my experiences as a newbie therapist, I sent out an informal poll to several therapists and coaches that I’d met over the years. I asked them to respond with the first word that came to mind that described their level and management of self-care. Some of the adjectives that came back verbatim were:
“Straight jacket”
“Non-existent”
“911”
“DUI”
Not one response was positive, proud, affirming, or even so-so. In fact, those are actually a few of the milder responses.
I quickly recognized that many of my colleagues struggled to practice what they preached in their personal lives. Like me, they prioritized the role of “helper” to others but not themselves.
If any of this resonates with you, here are three actions that you can take right now to step in alignment with helping the helper in you:
Get a therapist if you don’t have one. If you do have one and it’s not a fit, start looking for a new ideal one! Your mental health is integral if you are serving others. It’s a must, not a luxury. Don't wait until you are burnt out like I did.
Make time to connect with others in the therapist community. Especially in private practice, isolation is prevalent if you don’t seek colleagues out! Don’t have time to meet up for coffee? Find a Facebook group or online forum with therapists to give and receive support. You HAVE to be connected with others for your sanity. You are not alone.
Utilize and invest in supervision for accountability and clinical support. You need this space to help prevent your baggage from becoming entangled with your client’s. When you are running on fumes, this is more likely to happen.
I want to stand beside you in walking the walk of self-care and not just dosing it out. It’s time to dive into self-love and self-care like it’s tub of Ben & Jerrys.